The feeling of shame with an FND diagnosis

 I started a new job recently, and decided long ago that I have to tell at least one higher up that I trust that I have FND. I have tried to hide it in the past and it always finds a way to come out. I know now that preparing is infinitely better than either hiding from it or being scared of it every day.

Even though I try my best to keep myself healthy, every single day is a battle to stay a functional person. 

I talked about my FND yesterday, and felt so much anxiety and shame over it. There is such a terrible stigma surrounding FND, and even though online it can seem that many people are supportive of a discussion, in my real life, that just isn't the case. I actually never really talk about the name of the diagnosis, and say I have a neurological disorder and leave it at that. Still, I immediately feel a defensiveness over my diagnosis because I know the moment someone goes online to read about it, they're going to see so much misunderstood information about it being "just stressed" or "in my head" or that I just need to go to therapy. Unfortunately, it is so painfully real and not "in my head" and I get into an internal argument about how to even talk about it. 

On the other hand, I want to talk about it. Actually, I want to scream about it. I want to cry and yell and freak out about it and make it everyone else's problem. Though, that isn't a productive use of my energy, won't make it better and it certainly won't help anyone understand me any better. 

I know in my heart, I don't deserve to feel shame. I did not choose this and I'm not a victim of it. I had to use my mindfulness to ground myself last night, because my brain was buzzing with every word of the interaction. So, I want to share some things I say to myself that help me.

I have a neurological disorder. - Because this is as real as it comes. 

I take care of myself the best I can. 

It does not matter what they think, they're not living my life or feeling what I am feeling.

I am allowed to talk about it. 

I am allowed to not talk about it.

I am the most knowledgeable about what I am going through because I am the one experiencing it. 

Compassion is the antidote for shame. My fellow FND sufferers, you are strong. You can do this. What are the helpful things you remind yourself of when you're having anxiety? 

Photo is the night sky my partner took at Craters of the Moon.